Robert Roth

The Red String of Fate

Like life, readings are crap shoots.

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I have to thank Ruth. “I would like to thank Ruth for inviting me.” Or should I look at her and say, “Ruth , thank you for inviting me?” What if I forget and it totally throws me off. If I remember in the middle of my reading should I just say it then?

I've been rehearsing all week. Yesterday it all came together. I didn't tumble or stumble over words. I could control, modulate, shift my rhythm.

Today I started rehearsing again. It was a disaster. The lines in the book I will read from were bent like sound waves, some words I couldn't see, others started dancing off the page. I couldn't see the end of lines. I had to guess at what was there.

I have this problem that I see red lines that appear sometimes as thin red threads at other times like red strings of yarn crisscrossing in front of me. I can see them as patterns on people's clothing, on walls, or if walking they can be patterns on the streets as far as you can see. Sometimes the red yarn encases me as if I am walking through a game of cat’s cradle. The retina specialist said his father has the same problem and there is nothing that can be done about it. His father, he said, has learned to live with it. “For this I helped put him through eye doctor school!”

Mostly I don't see them unless I start talking about it or something triggers me to focus on them. I think they might always be there but I can't be sure. It might be similar to living by train tracks and you no longer hear the sound of trains roaring by.

The last two paragraphs appeared as a response to a piece in the NY Times. Below is an exchange that followed.

CC · San Francisco · Oct. 18

@Robert Roth I don't mean to lessen your condition, but have you heard of the Red String of Fate? I didn't know people actually saw it, and I wonder if that is where the myth originated. This myth says an invisible, unbreakable red cord connects people who are destined to meet, fall in love, or share a fate in some way. Many stories have been written about it.

Robert Roth · NYC · Oct.18

@CC A nice thought. Might quote you, which would in some ways confirm your point.

The reading is tomorrow.

It will be at a tavern in Brooklyn. Two weeks ago I was part of a reading in a sprawling cavernous very crowded cafe in the Village. The organizer, a magnificent poet and friend, has been organizing readings for decades often through necessity in some of the most absurd venues. Here he commandeered a table where seven of us sat around. We were just customers sitting at a table. The light in the cafe was pretty dim. People talking, loud music playing. A bunch of people at the table next to us. Boisterous and laughing. Some sitting, some standing and others coming and going. A couple of kids jumping on and off people's laps.

We did our reading. Half the words got lost in the noise. A couple of muted claps when each of us finished.

As for tomorrow. What if the light is too dim and they place a light overhead that is too bright. What do I do then? Or will I have to hold a flashlight in one hand and read the book while holding it with the other. What if I need to hold a mic? What then? I have to keep the whole book open or I won't see the end of the lines and will have to guess what words are there. Also I won't be able to turn the page. I also have to hold the book pretty steady.

In addition to my eyesight my hearing is for shit. I have hearing aids that amplify the sound but the words themselves are not any clearer. I won't be able to hear the other readers or anything said from the audience. And if I wear them when I am reading it might distort the words I am reading and confuse me. Since I did write what I am going to read I have a chance of guessing right. But still even if right, it might not sound right. Don't overthink it; just keep keep going.

Bennet Lerner the great pianist told me at the time when he was recording all of Debussey's works that the difference between a live concert and a recording is that if you make a mistake in a live concert, it might be noted, very likely quickly forgotten and would not interfere with the rest of the concert. A mistake on a recording, no matter how small, gets bigger and bigger each time you listen to it. And even worse you begin to anticipate hearing the mistake before it happens. So if I make a mistake, don't worry. Just go on.

I am confident that I am way past the point where I have to read my own name off a piece of paper if I introduce myself. And even if I do forget my name, no big deal. Since it is on the cover of the book, I will know where to look. So no matter what, I will be okay.

What if I am standing and my pants start to fall. And both hands are full, one with my book the other with a flashlight and/or the mic, how do I tighten my belt or just hitch them up. Will it be better to sit? Will I be able to project my voice so people can hear me? What if my chronic cough kicks in. No way to stop coughing when it starts. Eating could trigger it. But being too hungry is not that great either. And cough suppressants make me drowsy. My adrenaline will probably prevent that from happening. But probably is only probably.

What should I wear?

Robert Roth is author of Health Proxy (Yuganata Press, 2007) and Book of Pieces (And Then Press, 2017). He is also co-creator of and then magazine since 1987.

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